ten-month hormoniversary, 22nd september 2013.
i’ve got the sun at my back. backlighting is my friend. i’ve quit taking photos in direct sunlight if possible, because it shows how terrible and rough and unfeminine my skin looks.
i’ve been on estrogen injections now for about six weeks. on paper, it seems to be working. my numbers apparently are in the right range. i’m able to give myself the shots with no issue.
i can’t say i’m seeing much in terms of physical progress. i am telling myself that i have to wait a few months to see what sort of effect the shots have. i’m always telling myself to just wait and see. wait a few more months. it’ll be better eventually. things will improve. one day.
maybe.
yes, my chest is always tender, and i think there has been some growth, probably thanks to the progesterone i’ve been taking since the beginning of august. (which also has the unfortunate effect of a slightly heightened sex drive and the return of erections [sort of], and those are unpleasant and even painful.) i’ve also been rather sore and stiff just in general, and i feel like i always need to stretch my limbs, which has happened each time i’ve changed or increased my estrogen dosage. so, i have to hope that means things are working, just slowly. in any case, those are about the only changes i can discern so far. my face, to me, anyway, looks as masculine as ever.
as an occasional model, i have a profile on a well-known industry website in order to maintain connections with photographers and other models. a photographer left a comment on one of my photos recently (the same one i have as my tumblr avatar, actually). he told me that he liked that particular photo because it had a softer look — “not as hard as in many of your other shots,” he said. he meant well, i guess, but that was difficult to read. it’s that hardness that i’m so desperately hoping will soften someday. it’s that hardness that i see in the mirror daily, that i feel will always keep me from achieving what i still think is a reasonable goal in terms of physical appearance.
i look at other people who are transitioning. i look at their timelines and their photos at three months, six months, one year, and everything seems like it works like a charm. what’s wrong with me? i just have a persistent feeling that things aren’t happening like they should. but i just have to wait and see. like always.
on the other hand, the hormones seem to be doing a fine job of pushing my emotions to new heights.
you can pretty much make me cry these days just by staring at me for more than a few seconds. the other day, i was sitting in a park, reading a magazine, and i happened upon an ad featuring a sad-looking, abandoned stuffed animal. and then i turned the page and there was another ad that had a little girl with big eyes looking up at me and i just pretty much lost it right there. i had to put the magazine away and find the napkins in my car. and i got mascara on my sleeve.
good lord, i’m tearing up even just thinking about it.
not all emotions have been bad, though. i’ve had some very affirming moments recently, and a few pleasant surprises, too. it’s basically just enough to keep me hopeful for the future.
this month in particular, i have spent some really wonderful, intimate, happy time with others, and sometimes they’ve known just what to say to make me feel better, to make me feel more at ease, prettier, happier, less self-conscious. like maybe for a few moments all is right with the world, and i’m exactly where i want to be.
the rest of the time, i wait. and i try (really, really hard) to be ok with things as they are right now.