five-month hormoniversary, 22nd April 2013.
i had to take this photo with my phone because i am, once again, out of town without my good camera.
this has been a very blah month. most of it has nothing to do with the transition or anything emotional. most of it is the fact that it’s still winter where I live. duluth has had 40 inches of snow in april so far. it’s pretty much a snowstorm every week. apart from the snow fatigue, i am distressed that i have all of this warmer-weather clothing that i’m finally feeling confident enough to wear, and i haven’t been able to touch any of it.
my hormones dose was doubled a couple of weeks ago, and i definitely am feeling some of the effects. my skin is noticeably softer, silky even. when i was at the doctor, my chest measurement had grown by an inch, as had my hip measurement. i don’t feel like my chest looks much bigger, but they seem to be taking a nicer shape, and that’s exciting. i’ve gone through some restlessness as a result of the higher dose of hormones, but that’s evened out now.
generally speaking, i feel confident enough to go pretty much anywhere and not totally stick out. i mean, i stick out as a tall girl, but other than that, people don’t seem to notice. or if they do, they don’t say anything. i’m still hoping to see my face round out more, be a little fuller, but we’ll see. for now i’m just relying on makeup tricks to give that appearance. i’m going in for my second laser hair removal treatment on friday. facial hair continues to be the worst in terms of inducing terrible waves of dysphoria. there’s not much hair, but it’s enough.
i’m starting paperwork in the next week or two to change my name and my gender on my driver’s license. with any luck, the weather will be much nicer when i go to court for that, and i can try and look nice for the occasion.
i will close this by saying that i’m getting to the point where i feel like i can kinda, sorta see some little differences when i look in the mirror. like, i’m starting to see a girl staring back more and more. (sometimes i see a boy, though, too, and that’s tough.) this second puberty is the biggest test of patience of my entire life. and i don’t know how you do this, how you go through all of this, without it consuming your every thought, without thinking about it nearly every second of every day. i don’t know how you do that. i feel like i’ll have reached some sort of milestone when that starts to go away.