four-month hormoniversary, 22nd march 2013.
this is going to be a long one. there are quite a few pieces of good news to tell you about, so let’s get through the bad stuff first.
so, the bad: it’s mostly physical stuff. i don’t feel like i can see much changing. yes, it’s early yet. yes, people tell me they’re noticing differences. yes, my chest is very sore and my nipples are freaking huge. but, to be honest, all i really care about is having softer facial features. i don’t feel like that’s changing much at all. people say it is, but i think they’re just seeing my longer hair and mistaking that for changes. … but it could just be me. it’s tough to notice little things when you see yourself in the mirror every day. … regardless of what is and is not happening, my confidence is hurting a lot. even though i get gendered female like 95 out of 100 times, and no one seems to bat an eye when i interact with them, i still feel like everyone’s staring at me the second i walk into a room. … i’ve always been someone who looks people in the eyes when i speak to them; i feel like that shows interest and engagement. anyone who knows me knows that i am social and outgoing and engaging and that i thrive on the energy of those around me. … but lately, when i’m talking to strangers, i can’t look them in the eyes. and that’s so not me. … again, as i’ve said before, i know puberty takes a long time, and so i have hopes that the physical changes will continue and become more and more noticeable. i don’t need to be the prettiest woman out there, but i do need to look like a woman. … Sometimes i see good things in the mirror, and sometimes i don’t. and sometimes it depends on the mirror, or the lighting, or if i’m tired or whatever. which i suppose is like most people. sometimes, though, it’s horribly debilitating and upsetting. … i try to look to other people who have been through what i’m going through, to say, “ok, if it worked out for them, it’ll work out for me.” i feel like i shouldn’t compare myself to other trans women, because each of us has our own experience, but i can’t help it. i just need people to tell me to be patient and that it’ll all turn out happy in time.
ok, let’s talk about all the good stuff: so, i started laser hair removal on my face a couple of weeks ago. i didn’t think i’d be a candidate because my hair isn’t very dark, but i went into the skin renewal clinic at essentia st. mary’s here in duluth and the technician took one look and told me it would be no problem. so i had my first treatment that day. rather than 20 or 25 sessions of electrology at more than $100 each, with needles and skin irritation for days afterward and such, only five to eight laser sessions are needed, for just a slightly higher cost per treatment, and there’s no recovery time; your skin doesn’t get irritated afterward. and after one treatment, i can already feel a bit of a reduction. i’ll be doing this every six weeks for the next few months. … i spoke with my endocrinologist on the phone today, and now that she’s had a chance to look over my lab work and everything looks great, she’s going to double my prescriptions when i go in to see her the week after next. so, this is huge news, and it’ll help speed along some of the physical changes that i desperately seek. … i also saw my therapist today, and in the next week she is going to write me a letter of support that details my transition plan. this is important because i need it to apply for what is called (in minnesota, anyway) a variance — the provision that allows me to change the “m” to an “f” on my driver’s license. it’s all about proving to the state that you’re making permanent changes and such. (at this point, i get gendered female so often that it’s awkward and embarrassing to produce a license that says “m” and has a male name.) anyway, with the letter, i can send in the paperwork to get the variance, change my legal sex, and also change my name legally. that will be a huge, huge thing. you have to go before a judge, and when i receive the court date, i am thinking of putting it online and inviting as many friends as i know to come join me that day in the courtroom and have a party afterward.
last thing: i bought a swimsuit last week (black short-like bottoms and a black and white striped top) when my friends were in town and we went swimming in the hotel pool. no one raised so much as an eyebrow. apparently i passed that particular potentially scary scenario with flying colours. :)