what song do you listen to when you’re feeling down?
honestly, i tend to listen to sad music when i’m feeling down. it’s probably not the best idea, but it somehow seems soothing. i’m an indie kid at heart, so my sad, rainy day music is stuff like belle & sebastian, death Cab, elliott Smith, iron & wine, some sufjan stevens (only some of his stuff is quiet), and sigur rós.
tell us three fears.
i am terrified of bees. i’ve only been stung once in my life, when i was 3, and so i don’t know if i’m allergic or anything. but i just am deathly afraid of them. it’s probably the only bug that will send me literally screaming into the other room.
i’m afraid of losing control of my mind and body. it’s one of the reasons i’ve hardly experimented with drugs. i’m too worried about losing control. i wish i could just relax and enjoy it, but i need to know i can snap out of it if i have to. and so the few times i’ve tried things, i just get panicky, and a scared high is a terrible high.
but most of all i’m just really afraid of being alone forever. i know everyone is afraid of that, but there are times when i just can’t see how i’m ever going to be with someone. this is not helped by the fact that i’m going through all this trans stuff, and i don’t have a lot of people close by to talk to about it and to help me through it, and also the fact that i just moved to a new city where i know no one at all. … even when things are good, i feel like i’m the person who has tons of friends but never anyone closer, never anyone to cuddle with, to love me as i am.
also, even now, when i turn the lights off in a basement and come upstairs, i still have to run up the stairs, just in case anything is following me. some things don’t change with age.
do you believe in marriage?
i believe in two people being together because they want to spend all their time together, because they can’t think of anyone else with whom they’d rather share their life. in our society, marriage makes it much easier to enjoy this life as a couple, and so i can see why many people would want to get married. also, for some, i understand how it’s a religious fulfillment. for me, personally, i care about the right to affirm my love for someone, and i suppose i would get married if that were possible and if everything lined up just right, but it is not one of my life goals. being with someone i adore is, but getting married isn’t necessarily.