I’ve dedicated a fair amount of space on this blog to art associated with gender identity.
I’ve written about my own experience floating about the gender spectrum.
And yet, tonight is the first night that I’ve ever stood in front of a mirror and said, yes, I’m transgender. That “T” in LGBT(QAI …) is for me. I’ve always known it, but tonight is the first night that the description really seemed apt.
Still, it’s an affirmation that’s still really strange to think about. I feel the dysphoria every day. I know it’s there. It’s always there. It has been for 15 years or more. The feeling that I probably was supposed to be a girl. The feeling that I am at least as much girl as I am boy, if not more. But even so, it has taken me this long for me to really embrace my gender fluidity.
Honestly, tumblr has been a big part of that. Seeing all of these different friends here who are on their own journeys — and each person has a unique path — has given me more support and hope than any of you can imagine. Thank you all so much. You all are amazing, beautiful people. I wish I knew some of you better; I have so many questions about your own experiences. Drop me a message sometime and say hello. And I hope I can do the same for someone else. If any insight any of us has makes this experience even one iota less scary for someone else — if we can make someone feel just a little more loved, a little less alone, then it’s worth every effort.
As always, I don’t know exactly what path my own experience will take. I’m beginning hormones very soon to start to make some subtle changes to my body and appearance, to be closer to how I feel in my heart. I’m excited, relieved and absolutely terrified.
But slowly, I’m feeling more and more at peace with myself, with this beautiful mix of girl and boy in my soul and body, and with the idea of being able to express the person I have always been.
There are lots of stresses in my life right now, but tonight, I’ll sleep well, reassured by the clarity of mind that I’m experiencing at the moment.
♥ a.