i’m staying at my parents’ house tonight, and my stepmom wants me to go on a power walk with her first thing in the morning. like, without showering or shaving or otherwise getting ready. and i don’t know if i can do it. every time i see even a little bit of facial hair in the mirror, i want to burst into tears.
i talked to my mom months ago, and she’s been wonderful, but i haven’t been able to talk to my dad and stepmom about all my gender issues because my dad is sick and they’ve been going through this big life-threatening crisis right now. and i didn’t want to make anything more complicated.
so it’s hard to explain to my stepmom why i can barely walk out the door before shaping up my face and getting at least some makeup on and looking like something other than a sort of androgynous zombie kid with a 5 o’clock shadow. … oh god …
i want to talk to my dad and stepmom about all this so badly, but it’s going to be a few months before my dad is better, if he gets better, and i just don’t know how to bring it up with everything going on.
it’s easy not to think about it because i live in a different city than my parents, and i only see them like maybe once a month, and i’m so open about all this with everyone else. but when i’m here, it’s like an elephant in the room. an elephant that only i can see.
i could start hormones and it would be months before they’d notice a change, and even then, i’d probably be presenting as male to them anyway. but not necessarily. and i don’t want to keep them out of the loop.
i don’t know if i’m strong enough to do this right now.