this is how i feel, but in reverse.
i’m so aware of my masculine qualities, the hair on my body (there’s not much, but it’s all so disgusting), and especially my voice. It might not be masculine for a male, but it is for a female. if my voice were higher, i feel like that would help a lot.
it’s not so bad that i feel as if i failed (and my heart goes out to erik), but i definitely feel like i don’t belong. the men are looking at me like, “you’re not one of us,” and the women are doing the same.
i was pretty proud of myself for walking into h&m the other day and buying a dress, which clearly was for me … but i couldn’t bring myself to try it on there.
i use the men’s dressing rooms and men’s restroom — though i was stopped by someone the other day and directed to the women’s restroom — at first i felt happy because he thought i was a girl, but then i felt awful because i couldn’t bring myself, at that moment, to follow his instructions, and i walked into the men’s room.
this sort of thing happens all the time.
hormones can’t come quickly enough … at least then i’ll feel more confident as a girl, which is how i’d like to spend most of my time anyway.
i am so painfully aware of my body and the spaces it moves through and occupies. i am so aware of my breasts and my hips and my height, aware of my curves and the size of my feet. how when i cry it’s so feminine, both the sound and the action itself and how that makes me cry more. i’m aware that…